Be prepared..It's a long one!

In the last couple of weeks I have given a lot of thought to the past year.  Emotionally speaking, where I was then and where I am now are completely different.  In my opinion, I have come a long way.  Anyone who had any contact with me last year at this time knows that I was a %*#@^.  With a capital %!  I was unhappy at work and that transferred into the rest of my life.  By the time school got out, I wasn't sure I could go on.  I knew that something had to change.  So things did.  It was a slow process, but I am beginning to see the benefits both professionally and personally.

Last summer started with a grad class that I needed to take for continuing education.  It can be anything related to teaching, and since I already have my master’s degree, I wasn’t looking for anything that was part of a planned program.  Anyway, the class I took was “Tools for Professional Resilience”.  This class was introduced to me by a dear friend and colleague who obviously noticed how quickly I had spiraled downward.  She and I, along with Chuck, took this class.  I joked that it should be about wine and massages, and I wasn’t entirely kidding.  I needed a break in a big way. We got through the class, and although I wasn’t overly receptive to the ideas presented, there were a few things that stuck.  The most important being that if I don’t want to live like I had been (all stressed out), then I need to do something about it.

So I spent the summer doing almost nothing.  It really took me all summer to get myself to a place where I could even think about school again.  I still wasn’t very pleasant to the people I was around.  I was struggling not only with issues at work, but also with fertility issues.  I have wanted to have a third, and even a fourth child for a long time.  Even though it was easy to get pregnant for Calah and Gabe, this time it has been very hard.  So every month, hopes were raised, and hopes were dashed.  This, in addition to the stress at work, was taking its toll.  And I’ve heard it all…once you stop being stressed you’ll get pregnant, one you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant, once you see the doctor, you’ll get pregnant, once you take the clomid, you’ll get pregnant, once you see the fertility doctor, you’ll get pregnant.  Guess what….I’m not pregnant.  This has been a tough journey.  I have had to accept what God’s plan is for our family.  My guiding principle through this has been that I need to appreciate what I have.  God has given me two beautiful, wonderful, and talented children.  I want to take advantage and remember every experience with them.  I can’t take anything with them for granted.  I am not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me.  This is just to tell how far I have come.  The pain that I was enduring last year at this time has been replaced with acceptance and appreciation for what I have.  We have many great adventures ahead of us as a family and I am ready to take them on.

At school, I started the year with a new attitude.  At first I just said it in hopes that I would actually believe it.  “Fake it ‘till you make it”  And that’s what I did.  I was gearing up for what I had been told was the worst class ever.  I was gearing up for whatever the state and the administration were going to throw at us this year.  And all of that happened, and more.  But, I like to think that I have dealt with it better than I would have last year.  I have let a lot more roll off my back.  I have accepted that I cannot change the politics of education, the demands of administration, or the apathy of students.  I can, however, create innovative plans and a caring environment for my students.  I can teach students who want to learn.  In fact, I can even motivate students who want to learn, but don’t really know it.  And I do really like my classes this year.  I have great students and I enjoy being with them every day.  That is a huge difference.  I had great students last year, too, but I didn’t appreciate them when I had the chance.  I had let the world outside my classroom affect the way I was inside my classroom.  This year I didn’t.

And I have become more social.  Knowing that I was such a %*#@^, I didn’t think I should infect anyone else with my negativity.  But since I have started feeling better about everything, I have ventured out into the teacher’s lounge for lunch.  And I really enjoy it.  I like being social.  And I feel like I have been more social in my personal life, too.  I miss hanging out with my friends, so it is nice to be back in the swing of things.

I think that a lot of this change has come from getting back in the pool.  I like being active and it has been very therapeutic.  Not only do I get exercise, but also I can work out my stress on the water and not my loved ones.  And the endorphins help.  As well as the weight loss.  I am not one to get on a scale, I am too scared, but I have lost two pant sizes.  Having goals helps.  Swimming in a meet helps.  I plan to do more of that in the fall, with actual time goals and everything.  It’s nice to put myself on my list of important things.  Chuck, the kids, my family, and school will always be there, but I am happy to take fifth place.  At least I am ahead of housework, Facebook, and bills!  Swimming gives me time to put everything in perspective.  Sure, I may not have an ideal work situation, and there is crap that happens every day, but life isn’t horrible.  My family is wonderful and I love them.  They are what life is all about.

I hope that I am not the only one who thinks I have changed for the better.  I think Chuck has noticed at least.  He truly is a saint for putting up with me.  I wasn’t pleasant, and there are times now that I still am not pleasant, but it’s better.  Life is short and we need to appreciate what we have.  That is the motto I am living by at the moment.

Irritation

The goal of this blog has never been political. However, after watching all the talking heads this morning, I can't help but weigh in a little bit.  People are up in arms about this CNN commentator talking about how Ann Romney never worked and then bending over backwards not to offend stay at home moms.  I must have heard 5 or 6 people say this that stay at home moms know the price of gas, milk, and eggs better than their husbands.  Ok, fine....but I'm going to guess that working moms also know the price of gas, milk, and eggs better than their husbands.  My thought is "Really, the self esteem of stay at home moms is so fragile that we have to throw working moms under the bus?"  There is absolute value and honor is staying home to raise your children.  I think that the women who have that opportunity are aware of the hard work it takes and the toll it takes on them.  That being said, will someone please recognize that being a working mom is not easy either?  It's not as if we drop our children off and don't think of them all day.  I think about my children all day long.  If they are sick or hurt, I have to make arrangements to go get them.  When my child care is unavailable, I have to make other arrangements.  My sick days are not used for me, they are used for my children, so if I am sick, I still go to work.  I still have to get the same amount of laundry, cleaning, and work done for my children.  Can this argument about who has a harder time just be put to bed?  Raising children is a challenge, no matter how you do it.  This is a tired argument, and I am sick of being made to feel like the bad guy because I go to work.  And to have it thrown into a political arena?  Great, Ann Romney stayed home with her five boys.  And she probably had a housekeeper and a nanny to help her.  I don't think that her experience is quite the same as the working class family with three kids whose husband earns just enough to pay the bills and put food on the table.  Ann Romney may sit on charity boards and lunch with the ladies at the country club, but I'll bet she wasn't the mom racing in to help with the Valentine's Day party late because the baby threw up on her on the way out the door, or the mom who has to fight with the insurance company to make sure her special needs child has the medical attention they need while keeping the kids from drawing on the walls.  If Mitt Romney is going to try to run for president, he and his wife need to do a better job of connecting with the middle class, and not use being a stay at home mom as that tool.

Catch Up

I have a little time, so let's catch up on all the going ons of the Holmans.......

To start with, my anniversary was a couple of weeks ago.  The anniversary of my 29th birthday, that is.  We won't discuss which one.  It's not that I'm horribly vain about my age, my kids know how old I am and announce it to everyone, but I still like the sound of 29.  Keeps me young!  :)  Anyway, for my birthday all I really wanted was to go to Chicago for the weekend.  We caught the train on Saturday morning and met my brother and sister-in-law at the train station.  And the weekend was so much fun!  I love Chicago style pizza, so lunch at Gina's East was a real treat.  I wasn't sure that the kids would like it, but they ate it up, too. 

Then we were off to the Lego and American Girl store.  Calah was so excited.  She has been saving for almost a year for the American Girl wheelchair.  I wouldn't buy it for her, and I know that it means so much more because she saved for it herself.  I did buy her a dress for Molly.  I'm not opposed to American Girl things, but I am very specific about what I am willing to spend money on.  If it is historical doll specific or if it is an outfit that is unique and something Calah does (like dance or basketball) then I am willing to buy it.  If it is just playclothes or a random dress or some accessory that doesn't relate to Calah, then no.  If she wants it that bad, she can save for it and spend her money on what she wants.  And usually we decide before we get there what we are going to get.  This time, her decision on what I would buy for her took a little longer, but she walked right to the wheelchair as soon as we walked in.  That girl knows what she wants.

It just so happens that the Lego store as moved so it is LITERALLY right next door to American Girl.  Handy, one stop shopping!  The boys headed over there and Gabe came away with a Lego Garbage truck.  He and Uncle Josh had fun putting that together.  Then we had to make a stop at Hersheys.  MMMMM, chocolate.......ok, sorry, easily distracted by the chocolate.  We headed back to the hotel and Josh and Can took the kids for the evening.  Chuck and I had a nice dinner at a little old Italian place.  The pumpkin ravioli was awesome!  Although I was glad it was a little smaller portion, because I was still full from lunch.  Then it was just a nice relaxing evening.  The next morning, Chuck and I walked around a little.  Once the kids came down, the six of us went over to Millinium Park and over to the lake shore.  A little more shopping and we were off to the train station.  It was a great weekend!  We did have our hands full trying to get off the train.  Two sleeping kids, 4 suitcases, 5 bags...a challenge, but we did it.  Calah is such a big girl.  She woke up enough to carry her stuff off the train.  I had told her, whatever she packed she had to carry on and off the train and around Chicago.  And she did, without complaint.  What a big girl!

The next big event was our trip to North Carolina.  We left Sunday afternoon around 3 and drove all night.  The kids were happy to be tucked into their sleeping bag for the night.  I took the end part of Ohio, which is flat and boring, but it was late and I didn't mind.  I really didn't want to drive in the mountains at night, and Chuck was ok with that.  He actually said he would rather drive the mountains at night because he can't see what he should be nervous about!  :)  We stopped for a couple hours to sleep, but overall, it was really nice to travel at night with very little traffic.  So on Monday morning about 9:30 we arrived and hung out with Granny all day.  The kids were so excited to see her.  They haven't seen Granny since Memorial Day.  After checking into the hotel and a quick swim in the pool, we were back for a yummy dinner of chicken divan.  MMMM, chicken divan.....oh, sorry, easily distracted by yummy food.  Tuesday we went to Fayetteville with Granny to the Children's Museum and the Transportation Museum which were both really interesting.  The kids had a great time.  There was beautiful weather, in the 70s and sunny.  Shorts and t-shirts.  Very nice. 

Then on Wednesday we traveled with Granny to Wilmington to see the North Carolina Battleship.  That was really cool!  It was fun to see all the way that sailors lived on the ship.  It is really a whole town on board.  The kids loved climbing the ladders and checking out all the quarters and equipment.  We went over to Wrightsville Beach and the kids played in the ocean.  They were soaking wet, but had a good time.  Thursday morning we spent with Granny, and then left again around 3.  An all night drive had us arriving home about 5.  Chuck and I slept in....it was well needed.

It was a really nice trip.  After getting home, there was a lot of cleaning to be done to get ready for Easter.  We had a really nice dinner on Sunday with the family, including some face time with Emily in California via the iphone.  And now it is back to the grind.  Everyone is back to school and the routine.  One addition is that Chuck and I are trying to cram in a class in the next couple of weeks.  So, we are taking an online class and I will be busy trying to get that done ASAP. 

Ok, I think that is everything!