In the last couple of weeks I have given a lot of thought to the past year. Emotionally speaking, where I was then and where I am now are completely different. In my opinion, I have come a long way. Anyone who had any contact with me last year at this time knows that I was a %*#@^. With a capital %! I was unhappy at work and that transferred into the rest of my life. By the time school got out, I wasn't sure I could go on. I knew that something had to change. So things did. It was a slow process, but I am beginning to see the benefits both professionally and personally.
Last summer started with a grad class that I needed to take for continuing education. It can be anything related to teaching, and since I already have my master’s degree, I wasn’t looking for anything that was part of a planned program. Anyway, the class I took was “Tools for Professional Resilience”. This class was introduced to me by a dear friend and colleague who obviously noticed how quickly I had spiraled downward. She and I, along with Chuck, took this class. I joked that it should be about wine and massages, and I wasn’t entirely kidding. I needed a break in a big way. We got through the class, and although I wasn’t overly receptive to the ideas presented, there were a few things that stuck. The most important being that if I don’t want to live like I had been (all stressed out), then I need to do something about it.
So I spent the summer doing almost nothing. It really took me all summer to get myself to a place where I could even think about school again. I still wasn’t very pleasant to the people I was around. I was struggling not only with issues at work, but also with fertility issues. I have wanted to have a third, and even a fourth child for a long time. Even though it was easy to get pregnant for Calah and Gabe, this time it has been very hard. So every month, hopes were raised, and hopes were dashed. This, in addition to the stress at work, was taking its toll. And I’ve heard it all…once you stop being stressed you’ll get pregnant, one you stop trying, you’ll get pregnant, once you see the doctor, you’ll get pregnant, once you take the clomid, you’ll get pregnant, once you see the fertility doctor, you’ll get pregnant. Guess what….I’m not pregnant. This has been a tough journey. I have had to accept what God’s plan is for our family. My guiding principle through this has been that I need to appreciate what I have. God has given me two beautiful, wonderful, and talented children. I want to take advantage and remember every experience with them. I can’t take anything with them for granted. I am not saying this for anyone to feel sorry for me. This is just to tell how far I have come. The pain that I was enduring last year at this time has been replaced with acceptance and appreciation for what I have. We have many great adventures ahead of us as a family and I am ready to take them on.
At school, I started the year with a new attitude. At first I just said it in hopes that I would actually believe it. “Fake it ‘till you make it” And that’s what I did. I was gearing up for what I had been told was the worst class ever. I was gearing up for whatever the state and the administration were going to throw at us this year. And all of that happened, and more. But, I like to think that I have dealt with it better than I would have last year. I have let a lot more roll off my back. I have accepted that I cannot change the politics of education, the demands of administration, or the apathy of students. I can, however, create innovative plans and a caring environment for my students. I can teach students who want to learn. In fact, I can even motivate students who want to learn, but don’t really know it. And I do really like my classes this year. I have great students and I enjoy being with them every day. That is a huge difference. I had great students last year, too, but I didn’t appreciate them when I had the chance. I had let the world outside my classroom affect the way I was inside my classroom. This year I didn’t.
And I have become more social. Knowing that I was such a %*#@^, I didn’t think I should infect anyone else with my negativity. But since I have started feeling better about everything, I have ventured out into the teacher’s lounge for lunch. And I really enjoy it. I like being social. And I feel like I have been more social in my personal life, too. I miss hanging out with my friends, so it is nice to be back in the swing of things.
I think that a lot of this change has come from getting back in the pool. I like being active and it has been very therapeutic. Not only do I get exercise, but also I can work out my stress on the water and not my loved ones. And the endorphins help. As well as the weight loss. I am not one to get on a scale, I am too scared, but I have lost two pant sizes. Having goals helps. Swimming in a meet helps. I plan to do more of that in the fall, with actual time goals and everything. It’s nice to put myself on my list of important things. Chuck, the kids, my family, and school will always be there, but I am happy to take fifth place. At least I am ahead of housework, Facebook, and bills! Swimming gives me time to put everything in perspective. Sure, I may not have an ideal work situation, and there is crap that happens every day, but life isn’t horrible. My family is wonderful and I love them. They are what life is all about.
I hope that I am not the only one who thinks I have changed for the better. I think Chuck has noticed at least. He truly is a saint for putting up with me. I wasn’t pleasant, and there are times now that I still am not pleasant, but it’s better. Life is short and we need to appreciate what we have. That is the motto I am living by at the moment.
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