The first thing, at least for tonight, is what I have been saying for a long time. In my line of work, we are in the business of children, but heaven forbid we have our own. I cannot expand on this because this is obviously an online publication and I do wish to deal with the retribution that may happen. And I should emphasize that I am not mad, just irritated.
And then it is just everything. Everything irritates me and for no reason. It's testing week and we have a tornado drill. I know, not a major deal, but it messes up my room and I hate that. People run into me at the pool when I am taking up the most minimal space possible. As usual, my house is a mess and the laundry isn't done and I have no energy to do it. Even though I have been exercising on a regular basis, now all of a sudden, my joints are all starting to hurt. My knee hurts going up stairs, my hips hurt if I sit too long, my heels hurt if I stand too long, and my shoulders...well, they were never good and have always caused me pain. I guess I could chalk it up to getting older or being out of shape, either way, it makes me crabby.
The truth is, my depression has just taken longer to kick in than usual, and instead of accepting it this year, I am fighting it. Some days are better than others, and instead of sitting on the couch with a bunch of junk food, or crying, or sleeping, I'm crabby. I don't like being this way and there is really no reason for it. None at all. My husband has been wonderful. He takes care of the kids, helps around the house, cleans up the kitchen and helps with dinner. I couldn't ask for a better guy. My kids have been well behaved, for the most part. And we are all healthy. My students are finally starting to realize that they need to work and they will be rewarded for it. See....nothing to really complain about. I want to snap out of this, but as anyone who has struggled with depression will tell you, it is not that easy. I want to be happy, I just can't shake this feeling in my heart of sadness. People tell you all the time, "Fake it 'til you make it". I am sorry to say for me it is not that easy. Chuck has always told me in the past to get out and do something and I will feel better. Well, this year I have done that, and it did make it a little better, but I am still crabby. And it still hurts.
For me, depression feels like someone turned off a light switch and I can't reach it to turn it back on. One day, it will just be back on, but I have to wait for that day to come. It hurts in my heart, an actual physical pain that just nags constantly. I can try to push it off to the side, but it still just sits there. Those commercials for depression medication are right on the money. It feels like a robe that you can't take off or a weight around you that you can't get rid of. And, for me at least, there is never any real reason for it. Sure, I have tough days, but nothing that can't be over come, nothing that is any worse than anyone else. I don't like to be a "Woe is me" person. I have known too many people like that in my life and they annoy me. I know I complain a lot, and it is something I am working on (obviously not here, not now, but usually). That is what sucks the most about depression, there is nothing for me to complain about except stupid stuff. Frustrating!
On top of that, I have some major decisions to make in the next couple of months. I'm sure the pressure of these decisions is not helping. When I have weighed the pros and cons, I will post them and how I came to the decision I did. The kids are good. Calah is very excited to dress up as Laura Ingalls tomorrow for "Dress as Your Favorite Character Day".
She is dancing beautifully and swimming hard. Gabe is so sweet and his speech is progressing. I am still amazed by him every day. He is just my little bundle of energy. Chuck was recently elected the president of the Lansing Model Railroad Club. It is a responsibility that I know he will enjoy. He is my hero and I thank God every day that He brought Charlie into my life.
Things will get better, they always do. In the meantime, maybe my little rant will make me feel like I have gotten something off my chest.
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