My Daily Struggle

This post comes with a disclaimer.  If you are someone whose feelings are easily bruised, you may want to stop now.  I am not sure who I will offend with this, it is not directed at anyone, but just in case know that you have been forewarned.

I have a daily struggle.  Every morning I have to get up and go to a job that wears me down.  Not to be confused with dislike, I like my job, but it wears on me.  But this is not a post about my job, it is a post about leaving my family.

I hate leaving my kids.  I love my sitter and I love their school, but I hate leaving them.  They are two of the most wonderful children.  I will admit to the fact that I am ridiculously jealous of parents who get to stay home with their children when they are growing up.  I am jealous of couples who have a partner that is able to make enough money to pay all the bills and allow one person to stay home.  For us that was never an option.  We do not live extravagantly, but one teacher's salary is just not enough.  I also think it ridiculous to think that because you stay home, somehow your life/job is more difficult.  More difficult than what, those of us who have to work outside the home and then come home and make sure everything there runs smoothly, too?  Let's just agree they are both challenging, no one more than the other.

But, anyway, leaving my children was excruciating.  I know there are some people who need adult interaction or a break, and that is fine.  I am not one of those people.  For one thing, there is little to no adult interaction at my job and usually the only time I need a break is after a long day of work.  When they were first born, I cried every day when I had to leave them.  I felt so guilty for having to go to work.  For the first six months of Calah in daycare, I cried.  The first three months for Gabe.  I need to say, they never cried.  They were fine, it was mom that was a mess.

Admittedly, it has gotten better over the years.  Now that they are in school, I know I wouldn't see them all day anyway.  And I have decided that if I am working, we are going to send them to a school that has the same values we do.  That means paying for private education and that is the most extravagant thing we do.  I have nothing against public education (I'm a public educator, for Pete's sake), but I know that my children are going to get more attention in a private school along with values that our family has.  It is an expense I am willing to pay... for them.  I can also send them to dance class and swimming lessons.  I am extremely plugged in to their lives.  I try to ask them every day about their friends, their class, and how they are feeling about everything.  But somehow I don't feel less guilty.

I feel guilty that I am not there to drop them off and pick them up.  I feel guilty that I can't be a room mom.  I feel guilty I can't be at every field trip or party.  I feel guilty if I forget a permission slip, pair of shoes, or a snack.  I feel guilty if I come home from a rough day and snap at my kids for something little.  I feel guilty that we don't have enough time together and try to schedule as much as possible.  I feel guilty, guilty, guilty.

I am horribly jealous of people who can stay home, and I feel guilty about that.  So if I don't ask how things are going for you, it's only because I am painfully aware of my jealous feelings and I don't like to reopen that wound.

That all being said...my children have learned wonderful things by my working.  They are very independent.  My children have both navigated the local dial a ride as three year old preschoolers.  They can share and get along with a variety of types of children.  They are not judgmental of children who are different than they are.  They are very adept to routine and time schedules.  They adjust to new situations well and are good natured about it.  They are rarely clingy and like to try new things.  I know this is, in part, due to having to adjust at very young ages.  They have also had every cold and flu they could get, and their immune systems are strong.  Those are all very positive things that wouldn't have happened if I had stayed home.

I know that I will still struggle on the days my children go off to their Halloween or Christmas parties and I can't be there, but every day it gets a little better.  And I have to remember, if I didn't go to work that I wouldn't get what I do when I walk through the door now....the loud chorus of "Mommy's home"  followed by two big hugs and kisses.